The chosen parent….

The young girl is sitting under the dining table in her house. She has put a blanket on the table that hangs down its side making it her cozy abode. In it she sits with her lovely dolls. Busy pretending to be a mother to many young babies who maybe in the middle of a play date of just getting ready for school.

The scenario is not new to most of us. We have done this. Our sisters have. Our friends have. Daughters, nieces…… almost all the young girls I know have “played” like this. Not only have they played but they have also been encouraged to play like this. The loving, nurturing and maternal side of girls is almost taught. Its expected and conditioned.

This Little girl grows up. She has been educated well and made to be an “independent girl”. She works and takes her own decisions. She then gets married. life goes on. Once a child comes onto the picture somehow the whole conditioning that started some 25 odd years ago surfaces. She is the one who deems herself to be responsible for the little one. She is the primary caregiver, naturally and even emotionally. The most confusing part for this young mother is the confusing signals she gets. It messes with her way of life. Is she expected to be the independent woman? But how? Now suddenly she can’t even take small decisions herself, her life is pretty much dominated by a non-talking, non-moving yet adorable new person in her life. Or……

The new mother is dealing with a lot. She has changed, her body has changed, her status in the family and society has changed, her responsibilities have changed and increased in short life is different now. All the mothers reading this will be able to connect with what I am trying to say. Now to say that a woman has a child who is not the typically developing one. I cant even begin to imagine the whole way life changes now for that mother.

I feel the strongest thing we have as a mother is out instinct, our gut feeling. It most often, almost always gives us signals. We as mothers sometimes take those and sometimes ignore them. Sometimes these feelings are so scary that we choose to not face them, hoping that in due course of time these will vanish. A mother is often the first one to see, notice, observe and pick up anything and everything about her child. I often urge mothers to trust their gut and follow it. If something does not feel “okay” please please follow that up. Ask for help, get it checked, read, and please talk.

Having worked in the field for almost 2 decades now I can say that I have come across enough mothers who at some point have a feeling that borders the statement “I wish I had listened to my heart and looked for help.” I understand that feeling as a mother today. Way better than I did 10 years ago. I think becoming a mother has made me strong and weak at the same time. A mother of a child with special needs also has the same emotions, just her path is more difficult, her fears more scary, her goals different and her support is often missing.

This article is no scholarly piece of work offering help. It does not say whats good and bad. It does not say whats right or wrong. It does not chalk out a path for anyone. It is just an article that says “hats off” to the mothers. It says “thank you” to them and it is just urging each one of us to help, support and stand for mothers rather than judging. They are dealing with enough (more that enough actually) we don’t need to add to that list.

This is my personal salute to every mother who deals with odds to help her child lead a life that the child wants and the parent envisions for them.

Children and their forts…

I walk out into my bedroom one afternoon after sorting the kitchen post lunch and realize that all the pillows have vanished. I also could not see the sheets. I walked into the dining area and see that the chairs are gone. Something rings a bell, and I know I should walk into my kids bedroom. What I see shocks me, but yes after 5 seconds, a huge smile overcomes all my emotions and is plastered on my face. The whole room has been transformed. The bed and chairs (that have been pulled from the dining area) are now acting as pillars to hold up all the sheets. Inside this little area I see pillows thrown around, and a little lamp pulled in. Both my kids are lying down and reading books. Both of them have “designed” their corners. One side has dolls set out, and the other side has Star Wars books. 🙂

I am yet to come across an individual who has not made a small little fort of their own as a kid. Its amazing how math and science needs to be passed on from generation to generation through books, classes and lectures but this finds a way across generations. Almost like its been transferred through our DNA. Each generation manages to make it.

I recently started reading more about it. So apparently I am not the first person who has been intrigued by the children and the forts they build (surprise surprise). Apparently as a phenomenon this is being studied for a long time now. Studies have found that it is a physical, developmental and psychological need in a child to build his/her own fort. It provides a child with her own space. It helps her create something thereby instilling the feeling of independence and self reliance. It also gives them a sense of freedom and lays the foundation of decision making skill development. 

In todays times such forts are even more important. With Covid-19 imprisoning us in our homes the children feel the need for their own space. They need an area away from the authority of adults. They need the walls to demarcate themselves in the now often overcrowded house. The fact that the walls are made of cloth and thus flimsy does not take away the fact that they do provide a division from the outer world. The outer world is often a place that the child has no or little control over. Its what lies inside these fort walls that the child can structure and move as they want. It also thus provides them with a sense of power. 

In recent times many parents have reported that their children have built forts and ask parents to let them be. Mental health workers all over the world are requesting parents to not destroy or break (read fold away) such forts. They are performing many functions in making our little warriors fight and win the battles they are faced in todays times.

Think back of the times when we were children and how much fun these forts and the games we played inside them was. Thus irrespective of your child age please let them build forts. Let their forts stay. And enjoy as this is a symbol that your child is growing and learning to manage the world around himself/herself.

To the memory of the fort I used to build under my dining table in our home in Delhi.

WE SHALL OVERCOME…. FIGHTING FEAR THE TRADITIONAL WAY

Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat. Fear are common in children. Studies have shown that over 40% of the children under the age of 12 have experienced fear. The reasons for fear maybe many but some common ones are fear of dark and fear of being left alone. Some other fears are fear of animals (often dogs or snakes), fear of something happening to parents and sadly fear of school.

Most often children nurture fears of the unknown and something that maybe loud and thus fearful for them. It is seen often that most children don’t or are unable to speak about the fears. Often the caretakers/parents understand the fear looking at the child’s behaviour. Behaviour patterns like constantly avoiding something, or refusing proximity to a person/place are observed. Physical symptoms like shivering, sweating and lips quivering are also seen commonly.

Fear is a known fact. Now as a parent or caretaker what can we do, what do we do and what should we do? I have seen this often as a child that parents ridicule the emotion of fear and are often caught saying “its nothing” to the child expecting the fear to vanish. Which in most cases it does not (surprise- surprise). Thus the best way to deal with fear is first accept that it is a real emotion for a child. It exists and thus needs intervention.

Traditionally there have been many practices that are followed to deal with fear. Some such practices can actually be backed by logic, science and research. Often the child finds comfort in knowing that his or her emotion is not going to be ridiculed. The emotion has to be treated as real. Another aspect that comforts children is knowing that others go through similar emotions. When we say others it includes their peers but even knowing that those whom the child considers or perceives as as powerful or an authority also has fears, like a parent or grandparent or a teacher. A story of when the parent was younger and how they fought against a fear often goes a long way. It not only helps the child know that fear can be overcome but also tells the child that its ok to be scared. Once the emotion has been accepted at that level it needs to be looked at in a step by step manner. Often the child needs support to fight her/his way through it. A parent or caregiver can actually become a part of the process of outlining a way to fight the “demons”. Making such plans together with the child reinforces the fact that the child is not alone in this fight against the fear. Support goes a long way. Another was of supporting is a tangible item that the child accepts as powerful. In many cases this maybe a symbol of religion that one follows. Examples a steel bangle (kada), a small locket (Taviz), or a prayer book kept on the bedside. Sometimes a chant is taught to children to repeat when they are fearful. Some other examples of such items can be a parents picture in the pocket, a parents piece of clothing that the child can sleep with like a handkerchief or a scarf. I have even heard of items like tooth of a tiger or nail of a lion. If we look at the above items they are a symbols of something “powerful”. Be it God, a parent or even an animal that is connected with fearlessness. All this makes so much sense at a certain level.

The stories that we share with children at such times also go a long way. The stories connect with children at multiple levels. It tells them that its a common feeling, many have gone through it, many are going through it and if they could overcome fear so can I thereby giving them hope to come out victorious.

One other method to deal with fear traditionally and common even now is to actually face the fear. In some cases head on and in some other cases step by step. Either ways this works based on the fact that once the fear becomes something that the child can overcome with support of an adult they can slowly be encouraged to fight alone too.

We all have been there at certain time in life. Fear is real. Fear is scary. Fear affects us in many many ways. But yes fear is conquerable.

(This article came up post a conversation with someone who is a teacher and guide. She is a brilliant mother and grandmother and we often speak of practices we follow and how they affect our parenting. Thank you Dr Kaura and I hope we keep having such conversations for many years to come)

I am glad my parents said “NO”…..

To me, to my sibling, to my demands, to my tantrums, to some of my ideas, to some (thankfully not all) of my randomness…………..

Being connected to the education and mental health profession for almost two decades now I can’t even begin to count the number of times I have heard and read “Children should not hear a no’. The word that our parents used with us has somehow lost its importance in many lives. It is a known fact that if used too often and too easily the word is rendered useless or at least less effective. It is also know that if used with anger this word can hamper development of an individual. Thus it has been proposed and accepted by many that instead of denying something to a child one must use the softer approach of reasoning.

In trying to learn from the new approaches of child rearing many parents started living by the second approach. But in the process of never saying no to our child the parents are becoming over protective. The children are becoming way too fragile for the “actual” world. And then there is a category of parents who are confused. And at no point I am blaming them the world does give confusing signals. They are thus living between two extreme scenarios and are hanging and swinging between the two like a pendulum. Saying no or not saying no. In this situation they surely pass on their confusion to the child who now has no idea which behaviour is acceptable and which needs to be modified.

I sometimes sit and wonder is “no” such a bad word????????

I will just look at this question from 1 perspective and see what all did “no” give me……..

1. It possibly saved my life a few times, when I was stopped from jumping off a dangerously high ladder or tree branch, and my mom shocked me into not taking the next step because she shouted a NO.
2. It possibly saved my brother from harmed, when I wanted to really- really hit him hard for being himself.
3. It may have even saved lives of some of my friends (Those in MS 19 will know this) whom we were pushing and our teacher shouted a NO.

In the long run I feel the NOs I heard in my growing up years helped me understand that everything I ask for or want will not happen. Life is not served to me on a silver platter and I do need to work for things. I also learnt that success and failure are both parts of life. As I matured more I understood that NO is not permanent and it is just a way of telling me to change for better. I also learnt how to bounce back after the so called set back of “NO”.

Thus I would like to just say this that NO if used all the time and without any reason with the sole purpose of using our authority over someone else is totally unacceptable. But to say “NO” never should not be an option. It needs to be used……

Judiciously

With a reason

And with options that are acceptable when a particular one is not.

I will also say this here that now I have 2 beautiful loving children myself and trust me they do hear NOs. Thus parents go by your gut. When a NO is required use it. But be careful about it. As I have learnt as a parent “choose your battles”.

Hope this helps. Happy parenting. We are all learning as we go and from each other all the times…… YES or NO??? 🙂

DIS-ABILITY to THIS-ABILITY …. my journey.

When we are little children we are asked “What do you want to become when you grow up?” often. I am not talking of these questions in Grade 9, 10, 11 or 12 when they come loaded with the weight of career choices, choice of academic stream and universities etc etc. I am talking of the times you ask a 5-6-7 years old what they want to become. The answers that come sometimes surprise, sometimes shock the adults but always make them smile. I always answered that question with the same single word answer “teacher”. And somehow I never grew out of that childhood dream of mine. I kept saying the same thing at each stage in life.

I grew up and my education took me on a path that helped me work with children with special needs. It helped me bring together my dream of being a teacher with my interest in mental health. I have worked in the field with students and their families. Each one has taught me.

These are just a few examples of the questions I have heard approximately over the last 2 decades, time and again. I somehow have never answered them. The questions may be different but my response to them has always been a smile. Amazingly the people who ask are also satisfied with that little smile. Its almost as if they were not really looking for an answer at all. Today I would like to use this forum to answer there questions…

Why do you work with such children?…. Children are children and I love working with them. Each child is different and for me its the same working with any child with any needs.

Is there someone in your family who has special needs?…. No not in the way it is described by laws laid down by associations and governments but yes we all have special needs. If I am encouraged to look at each person individually and not expect to fit them in preset moulds then why with children?

What made you decide to do this?….. Frankly nothing. I just wanted to work with children and this just happened and when it did I loved every second of it.

It must be so difficult? How do you manage?….. I do have my days when I find it tough. But frankly its like any other profession, I am trained I find it easy, you maybe trained to fly a plane and you find that easy :).

You must have a lot of patience to be able to do this…… I don’t know if I had it or not but whatever patience I had I surely have more. So I say this confidently that whatever may have been my level of patience its better after being in this line for almost 2 decades.

What if something happens to you while working with them?…… This question does not deserve an answer.

You are doing a nobel job and God will bless you…… God will bless everyone who does their work sincerely. I love being in that category after all we all need all the blessings we can get. Right?

My journey began in a way least expected. some classes in university changed me forever. I clearly remember a teacher on mine in Masters course who asked us how we felt when we come face to face with a person with a disability? I wrote a few points and moved on. Assignment was done. In the next lecture we were all taken to a special school and with no instructions asked to move around and do what we wanted to. That day I realized that I do not know how to even conduct myself. I don’t know what to say, what to not say, how to behave, am I to offer help, am I to complete their sentences or what. This experience left me with the feeling that I am the one who has a disability I am the one who actually feels at a loss or disabled in that sense. The so called individuals were comfortable in their skin and I was not.

That week was the turning point in my life. I decided that I wanted to convert my disability (in not knowing about how to behave or conduct myself in front of other people) into an ability. And thus started my quest of turning disability into This-ability to be myself in every situation. The journey continues. My teachers are life and all the people who I have worked with, the professionals, the children, and the parents. This article is a small attempt at expressing that when we do look at the mirror before labelling others our lives change, our perceptions change and we are ready for a change. A change that begins with us and only us. It begins within and then maybe just maybe will spread.

Personally I do not feel my major contribution is that I can teach someone who is in the autism spectrum or who finds it tough to read because of dyslexia. My contribution is that I know the child is a child first and his/her disability is only part of their life. I do not let the disability define every aspect of that child. I can look at the child as any other child. I love the child like I would any other, I will teach the child the values I will teach my children. Also I can proudly say that my own 2 children will not point fingers and make fun of some who don’t deserve it. This is what makes me proud and feel blessed.

I pray that each one of us are blessed in this way too. I pray that you all begin a journey too…… and Happy journey friends.

Storytelling…. so many layers… so many levels.

My last article was on storytelling. That was one very close to my heart as it was based on my childhood memories. Just now I read something on how story telling is used by 1st nation people (original inhabitants of Canada) as a tool for disciplining their children.

When I was a Masters students I was blessed to have some of the most brilliant minds teach me, but what taught us more I feel is the fact that the bodies that held those minds were also homes to beautiful, caring, loving and sensitive hearts. Our teachers/ professors were simply amazing. The beauty also was each one has a passion and how that passion was used to make each lesson more alive and realistic. One loved dance, another drama, one spoke of relationships, another use of language and thus each class was not a paper taught, it was an enlightening discussion enriched with real life examples.

The beauty is that each one of those professors spoke of some common practices that should play bigger roles in child rearing. Stories and storytelling were a part of that list. At that point almost 20 years ago I enjoyed my lessons. Today I am living those lessons through my children and in my daily parenting journey, and professionally.

As a child I loved stories. Today I know my children love them. For those of you who think with age the children’s interest in this decreases I believe otherwise. My elder one is 9 and still loves his bedtime stories. I am nearing 40 and if someone was to tell me 1 at bedtime I promise you I will sleep better that night. We as professionals working with children always say stories are a way to connect with our children. They help in language development. They help us keep our history alive. They help us connect with other individuals. Not too far back in history of human development it is said that stories are a tool to teach children.

Stories that teach children socially acceptable behaviours are called social stories. Today I learnt that the 1st people have a treasure of stories that have been with them for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. It is through these stories that they discipline their children. Apparently they never shout on the children. They never give time outs. They never scold their children. They just have stories for almost all aspects of life. Some mistakes are pretty predictable as children grow. Actually most are. For example we all know that once a child moves around they like to explore. As they grow they like to do this more and more independently. The 1st people have a story about a sea monster that is told to children from a very young age to make sure that when they run and play independently they stay away from the water (they don,t need to worry about swimming as much as the temperatures are often -40 degrees). These stories are used mostly as a preventive and thus all children are exposed to them. Sometimes though they maybe used as a corrective tool also when they are shared after an incident has occurred. Often these stories are accompanied with role plays or small acts that are done with humour as the main element. The children begin to see the effect of their behaviour in such scenarios and tend to make the amends. The best part is that this has been happening for many many years and generations after generations of those children have grown up and become adults leading lives like you and me, thus proving that our parents “yelling” actually did not make extra changes in our lives.

The only thing I will say after reading multiple such articles and reports is that I wish I can amend my ways and instead of increasing my heart rate work on helping my children make their life meaningful.

Take care everyone.

Signed off by a parent who learns daily.

Name…. what’s in a name?

This question has been asked many times in history. It is something we hear often in plays, dramas, theatre and movies too. At least I do. The tone with which it is asked is actually to say that “the name is no more than a word, it has no major value”. Its spoken with the careless air of “its just a name”.

I chose to answer this question and share my take on it. I cant say whats in a name with the same emotion it was originally intended for. For me it means “A lot actually”. Names carry a ton of weight within them. Names are associated with people, characteristics, memories, emotions those people brought out in us. Close your eyes and think of the names of the following

1. Your nursery teacher
2. Your favourite grandparent
3. Your 1st pet
4. The teacher whose subject you just could not enjoy (it could be physics. chemistry, history, math or any other)
5. Your favourite restaurant
6. Your 1st sweetheart

The name, just the thought of that name brings out a frown or a smile on your face, right? Thats my point. Thats why I feel names are important.

Another practice that supports my line of thought is when we name our children. Wow isn’t that a major task through the pregnancy. Keeps not only the parents but pretty much the whole immediate family busy. Within families it often turns to become a competition where each member wants the child to be named a name that they choose. We have various reasons for choosing the names we do choose for our kids. some choose it as “it rings well”, or for its meaning or we name them after a person we would like our children to learn from. Whatever the reason maybe the positivity in making it our choice says a lot. Many children are named after their grandparents or other ancestors with the hope to keep the family name going.

In parts of the world the name is much more than your given name. It is a whole introduction or even your social standing. In certain communities the name consists of the individual, parent, family, even the village they hail from and the caste group they belong to. Just by the name one can understand a lot about the person. A few years ago I learnt how people can figure out the social standing of a person and their family just by their last name. It wont surprise you that this lesson I learnt around the time I was marriageable age. Even more recently I have come across a group of people in the world who live with 2 names. I am not speaking of the funny pet names we often give our kids which are more that often embarrassing too. I am talking of some people who have a name in their language and a different name in English. Most often the two are not connected in terms of meaning etc.

I may not be completely off the mark when I say that a name has a social standing. But when talking of the given name or first name I must say that it does have a emotional, personal and of course legal importance. A child from a very young age is “trained” to respond to their name. The daily habits and practices connect the child to her name very early in life and this stays with them. I have personally known of people who have changed their name (the ones given by parents) to something they “like” more. I am not even getting started on the changes according to alphabets and numbers (that is a different level all together).

Having said all this I would like to share how I was named. My name apparently had major political weight when I was born. A certain leader of our country used this word so often that it popped up regularly in Media and print. When its meaning was looked at and its depth understood by my family it was used to name their first born, yours truly. By the way it wasn’t my parents who named me but another member of my family whom I loved dearly as a 2nd mother all her life.

Whatever is your name I am sure there is a story attached to it. Lets hear some of those because I do not feel that “its just a name”.

• 

Traditional games and why we should continue playing them

Hi everyone

Today for sometime I need you all to go back in time. To a time when we were children. When we would wait for the clock to strike 5 (or whatever was the time your parents had set for you to go out to play). When going out was determined by our parents and the clock but coming back home was 1 decision we could take. When most evening, at least for me, would end in my dad returning from work and coming to the park to say the same sentence everyday “Lets go in kids its already late.”

Our time playing outside was something we looked forward to. Even to the extent that we were ready to give up going out somewhere with parents just so we won’t miss our evening park. I will now share some all time favourite games. I am assuming they have different names in different parts of our country but most are played all over. I will describe the games. the purpose is two-fold. One to remind you the game and most likely make you smile, and two just in case if you want to brush up before you teach these to your children. At the end of each description I am going to put a few words in brackets and these are the various areas of development the particular game helps develop. Just in case we need more motivation to introduce these to our next generation.

1. Pitthu…… Also know as lagori or 7 stones. In this game we would have 2 teams. Number of players varied depending on how many children were playing and then they were just divided equally into 2. A stack of 7 flat stones was made in the middle. It resembled a pyramid with largest stone at the bottom n smallest at the top. Team 1 had to break it with a ball and then recreate it. Team 2s job is to ensure team 1 can’t recreate the pyramid. They throw the ball on members of team 1 and dismiss them if the ball touches them. If team 1 builds it, they win. If they all get dismissed without making the pyramid team 2 wins. (Eye hand coordinating, large muscle movement, aiming, catching, teamwork).

2. Elastic…… I am sure along with us our mothers remember this game too as they were pestered non stop to find some elastic band about 8 meters long and then stitch it to make a loop. 2 children would put this loop around their ankles and stand with legs opened creating a space of about 2 feet between the 2 sides of the band. Now other children in a line would have to just on and between these bands in different patterns rhythmically. The more pattern one managed to do without tripping the higher score they made. After each cycle the elastic was moved up by a couple of inches. Making it difficult to recreate the patters. (Sense of rhythm, musical patterns, jumping, pattern making and following, body balance).

3. 4 corners….. This used to be a favourite as it can be played impromptu and doesn’t need anything. Played with more than 4 children (5, 6 or 7 can play in 1 group and if we had more we would just create more groups) . Basically we would create an area that resembled a square and 1 child each would stand at each of the 4 corners. The other children would be in the middle of the square. Now any 2 children from corners would make eye contact and small sly nod would give them the green signal to run and exchange places. While these 2 were running the children in the middle are free to run and claim a corner. The one who could not reach a corner now becomes the den and comes to the middle of the square. (shapes, visual and virtual perception, eye contact, body language sensitivity, large muscle exercise, team work)

I am stopping at 3 games and will encourage all the readers to share more games from their childhood in the comments. Just a name with or without a description will help us all create a list that we would love to introduce to our little ones.

Keep smiling. I am also hoping this article reminded you of your childhood friends. Keep playing.

Stay safe and see if you want to connect with your childhood friends.

Celebrating effort not the prize

Hi everyone

I am sure you have heard/read… Enjoy the journey not the destination. And like a million versions of this. Well I surely have. We like to tell such stuff to our children too, depending on the result of whatever they participated in our choice of words varies. But you know what? This does become useless if we say it without practicing it. How many of us parents actually practice it?

Please do not feel that just because I am writing this I practice it all the time. I don’t. I try but it is surely not a 100%. It requires a conscious effort on my part. I read a story a few years ago. At that point my 1st born was just a toddler. The story sure left an impact on me. I do not know who wrote the story or even if the story is a book that is a famous children’s book that I just happen to have missed reading. Nonetheless I am going to share it here and hope if you have read it earlier it helps to re-read and for those like me who haven’t read it earlier it helps put certain things in perspective.

Adi really loved his mother. As far as the lady was concerned her life revolved around the husband and son. She liked to take care of everything for them. She loved to talk and connect. She cared deeply for both. Sometimes in her mission to do it all she would be tired and stressed and often this came out as displaced anger. The boys knew this and usually discounted her behaviour and the love remained. The relationship Adi had with his father was different. They spoke less but somehow connected more. Adi looked up to his dad for many things. The father was a sensitive and warm gentleman. Overall it was a happy family. Adi often looked at his parents and thought how well they balanced each other out. Mom was talkative-dad was intuitive. Mom was always excited- dad relaxed. Mom needed a project to work on constantly- dad had to be coaxed to move beyond necessary. It was a family many of us will relate to.

There was a young boy. He had just taken his grade 12 exams. Many months of preparation and a mother saying that this was pretty much his last time to put in the effort and prove himself (somehow parents say that at each milestone….. But more n more chances do keep coming up). Anyways now this boy (lets name him Adi) had done his exams well. He had put in months of efforts, studying, attending school, classes, taking notes, re-writing parts of the texts, going through guide books, practicing question papers over and over and everything else that we may have done in our times. And the effort is not just his, its his parents too. The family time comprises of asking Adi if he needed help with any topics. The family had sacrificed their summer vacation, all going out to parties and dinners for last 3 months (if not more), New years eve, Holi and many such community events and celebrations were given up. The mother was often caught saying to her family and neighbours “We never pressurize Adi to get good marks. He himself gets upset when he doesn’t do well.” Everytime Adi and his dad would overhear such a comment they would exchange a look and smile.

Exams were over. Adi was relaxing and trying to gather information about his future options at the same time. He liked being able to stay home and enjoy after so many months of hard work. About a week before exam results were to be announced Adi’s mother started pestering him to visit the temple and call his grandparents for blessings. On the other hand the father quietly started spending more time with him and together they explored career options for Adi.

On the day of the result Adi woke up and got dressed to go to the school to check his result that got published and put up on school office. (It was the times before results came to ones inboxes). His mother refused to go with him stating that she was too tensed. The father on the other hand offered to drive Adi. They left home peacefully. Adi could feel a whirlwind of emotions. His tummy was doing summersaults. His dad had a calm, soothing expression. After about 5 minutes of leaving home Adi realized that his father was not going to school at all. When he asked his father he got just a small smile in response. This got him even more worried but he sat still. In a few minutes the car was stopped outside Adi’s favourite ice cream shop. The father walked out of the car and went into the shop without as much as a word. Adi followed and looked at his father as if the father had lost it. He said “Dad whats wrong with you? We need to go to the school to get the result. And only if the result is good do parents take the children out for a treat. Not before the result.” He waited for his father to respond. Dad asked him “What flavour you want?” Adi couldn’t understand but just so that he could make his dad move he asked for a choco-chip mint flavour (his favourite). The father ordered 2 of the kind and then sat on a table to enjoy. Adi tried to coax him to have the ice-cream while driving but the father did not budge. Adi was losing his cool. Just when he was thinking if shouting at dad would help the father licked his ice-cream noisily and said, “Adi we are not celebrating your result at all. We are here to celebrate you and your hard work. The result is secondary.” Adi was too shocked to say a word. He finished his ice-cream teary eyed.

The story ended there. The story did not mention or discuss the result. It did not tell us what was in store for Adi’s future. It did not tell us his mothers reactions. The beauty of the story is in its simplicity of emotion. The father calmly gets the point across to his child with his actions stating what is more important to the father. I wish I knew more such parents. I wish I can be such a parent at some point.

This can be a lesson to all of us parents. We call it parenting and that is really a journey of our learning and growth. Wishing we all learn and grow in this path and become better humans. Good luck, happy parenting and stay safe.

Massaging little babies and beyond

Shut the doors. Check

Spread a soft cloth sheet. Check

Bath arrangements in place. Check

Fresh clothes ready. Check

Is the oil warm? Check

Is the baby ready? Check

Are you ready? ? ? ?

This was the mental list I went through every day when I massaged my babies. I had even rubbed off this list on my husband for most days he massaged our first born. Somehow I always had a mental setup that I had to massage my little ones myself. Where we lived at that point many “professionals” were available at affordable prices to come n take care of massaging and bathing little ones, but somehow that idea did not appeal to me. I chose to learn from them and elders in the family and then massage myself. It started slowly and my babies reactions to each touch and stroke led me to create our own simple routine.

Massage times became a few minutes of pure bonding between us. No disturbances, no sharing, just us. We would talk. I would sometimes sing or hum (yes in my bad bad always out of tune voice). We sometime put music in the background and pretended that we were dancing, yes yes he was only a few weeks old. All in all it was fun.

I heard and hear young mothers say even now…. I dont know how to massage. What if I land up doing something wrong and harming my baby? I am scared with so much oil if an accident happens. I am not sure if my baby will like it. I am not sure of the correct strokes. I will let the massage lady come and do it daily, after all that ways I also get an hour off. I hear you and I understand at a certain level too. But I made my choices as a mom. I decided to believe in

Thinking positive (No wrong will happen).

Learning by listening, watching and doing.

Take the correct steps and spend time in preparation and then enjoy the process.

My child will guide me. And he did.

It took us a few days of getting our routines in place. I slowly learnt to manage the step by step process (not so much of the actual massage but preparing the room for before and after times). And then it was a simple daily activity that I looked forward to.

I took this time as a time to talk, learn, teach, enjoy with my child. The studies say that massaging is a time when we can reach a child through all his/ her senses. The little one sees us (visual sense), Of course they smell us as we are so close and even the smells of the oil/creme we use regularly become a part of olfactory memory (olfactory sense or sense of smell). We talk, or sing to our child and thus stimulate the auditory senses (sense of hearing). And possible one of the biggest advantages of a massage is that they are in our lap and we are touching them thus the sense of touch (tactile) gets activated. We all have read and know that learning happens through all our senses. This 1 activity of massage can help us activate all the senses of our child at least once a day. For me this reason was enough to make me get up and massage him on days that I felt physically tired.

Today my first born is 9. I do not do these massages regularly anymore but yes I must say that when we do a little bit once in a while the excitement in his eyes tells me that somehow my time with him did not go waste. It has helped us bond. It has made the massage times special. And the memory brings a smile both to him and me.