Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat. Fear are common in children. Studies have shown that over 40% of the children under the age of 12 have experienced fear. The reasons for fear maybe many but some common ones are fear of dark and fear of being left alone. Some other fears are fear of animals (often dogs or snakes), fear of something happening to parents and sadly fear of school.
Most often children nurture fears of the unknown and something that maybe loud and thus fearful for them. It is seen often that most children don’t or are unable to speak about the fears. Often the caretakers/parents understand the fear looking at the child’s behaviour. Behaviour patterns like constantly avoiding something, or refusing proximity to a person/place are observed. Physical symptoms like shivering, sweating and lips quivering are also seen commonly.
Fear is a known fact. Now as a parent or caretaker what can we do, what do we do and what should we do? I have seen this often as a child that parents ridicule the emotion of fear and are often caught saying “its nothing” to the child expecting the fear to vanish. Which in most cases it does not (surprise- surprise). Thus the best way to deal with fear is first accept that it is a real emotion for a child. It exists and thus needs intervention.
Traditionally there have been many practices that are followed to deal with fear. Some such practices can actually be backed by logic, science and research. Often the child finds comfort in knowing that his or her emotion is not going to be ridiculed. The emotion has to be treated as real. Another aspect that comforts children is knowing that others go through similar emotions. When we say others it includes their peers but even knowing that those whom the child considers or perceives as as powerful or an authority also has fears, like a parent or grandparent or a teacher. A story of when the parent was younger and how they fought against a fear often goes a long way. It not only helps the child know that fear can be overcome but also tells the child that its ok to be scared. Once the emotion has been accepted at that level it needs to be looked at in a step by step manner. Often the child needs support to fight her/his way through it. A parent or caregiver can actually become a part of the process of outlining a way to fight the “demons”. Making such plans together with the child reinforces the fact that the child is not alone in this fight against the fear. Support goes a long way. Another was of supporting is a tangible item that the child accepts as powerful. In many cases this maybe a symbol of religion that one follows. Examples a steel bangle (kada), a small locket (Taviz), or a prayer book kept on the bedside. Sometimes a chant is taught to children to repeat when they are fearful. Some other examples of such items can be a parents picture in the pocket, a parents piece of clothing that the child can sleep with like a handkerchief or a scarf. I have even heard of items like tooth of a tiger or nail of a lion. If we look at the above items they are a symbols of something “powerful”. Be it God, a parent or even an animal that is connected with fearlessness. All this makes so much sense at a certain level.
The stories that we share with children at such times also go a long way. The stories connect with children at multiple levels. It tells them that its a common feeling, many have gone through it, many are going through it and if they could overcome fear so can I thereby giving them hope to come out victorious.
One other method to deal with fear traditionally and common even now is to actually face the fear. In some cases head on and in some other cases step by step. Either ways this works based on the fact that once the fear becomes something that the child can overcome with support of an adult they can slowly be encouraged to fight alone too.
We all have been there at certain time in life. Fear is real. Fear is scary. Fear affects us in many many ways. But yes fear is conquerable.
(This article came up post a conversation with someone who is a teacher and guide. She is a brilliant mother and grandmother and we often speak of practices we follow and how they affect our parenting. Thank you Dr Kaura and I hope we keep having such conversations for many years to come)
Tags: alone, childhood fears, fear, overcoming fear, Parenting, scary
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